If you build it, they will come

Sorry about that. Someone had to, so it might as well have been me, right?

They built a new Wal*Mart north of here and at the opening this weekend, they arrested some guy for masturbating in his truck in the store's lot.

The man also had some pot and some hydrocodone pills – although he could have gotten the same effect by drinking the tap water, it turns out.

In other new Wal*Mart news, a woman was arrested for stealing $1,000 worth of merchandise. Police charged her with trespassing, because she had previously been ordered never to enter another Wal*Mart store.

Trend 2008: Dead 20-somethings

Here we are, 23 days into 2008. Actor Brad Renfro has died this year at 25. Actor Heath Ledger was found dead yesterday at 28. Britney Spears is spiraling downward. Amy Winehouse was recently photographed smoking crack.

Crack. Seriously? I don't have the energy to write about the gentrification of the drug and the hegemonic co-opting of a conspiracy theory. Maybe someday.

The point is, the number is getting smaller. Mozart, Jesus, Charlie Parker -- dead in their early 30s. Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain. Do people never learn?